Egos Kill Relationships, Not Problems

Truth be told, arguments are not uncommon in romantic relationships. Anything from, "You didn't clean the living room like I asked you to a few hours ago" to "Why didn't you text me to let you know that you got home safely after work?" are potential problems that can lead to a full-blown argument, even if the underlying reason for the problem at hand isn't what it seems like on the surface.

But would if I told you that it's not necessarily problems themselves that are causing you and your partner's arguments but how the both of you react to those problems? Ultimately, it's the ego that is the driving force to these arguments that dictates how long they last, how frequently they occur, and what they result in.

What is the Ego?

The ego can be described as an individual's sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Although telling someone that they have an ego typically means that they are overly occupied with themselves, usually with their appearance, having an ego – or more like, letting your ego take center stage – means much more than merely that.

When your ego takes over, you tend to be blinded from others' perspectives, ideas, thoughts, and feelings; you tend to only see your own. When you let your ego put you on a pedestal, you're the king or queen; you're the better person. In your head, you're always right, you always want to be heard, you always win even before you've won, and you're always the victim. As a result, you may say or do things you later wish you didn't, even if you know for a fact you love your partner wholeheartedly.

Although the ego can come in handy in some scenarios, it does the opposite in the majority of the situations we allow it to take the lead, including during disagreements with our partner.

How Do Egos Kill a Relationship?

Based on the latter description, you can probably see how an ego can kill a relationship of two people who love each other, sometimes completely. When one partner wants to always be right, always be heard, always win, and never wants to apologize for their wrongdoings – or worse, both partners are like that – it makes it difficult to resolve or even avoid arguments in a relationship.

Here are some scenarios where the ego takes over in an argument:

• When Justin and Megan argue, neither of the two are listening to one another and frequently talk over one another because they both want to be heard. In response, Justin starts speaking louder and louder, as does Megan. Both now yelling yet unable to be heard, Justin breaks up with Megan and storms off out of frustration. (Both Justin and Megan let their egos take over.)
• There was a misunderstanding between Vivian and River. River tried to candidly explain the situation; however, Vivian only wanted to view the problem from her perspective, failing to see the truth in the situation and leading her to believe that River was cheating on her even though they actually weren't. River attempts multiple times to get in contact with Vivian, but she continues to give the silent treatment. (Vivian let her ego take over.)
• Rachael and David got in an argument over something silly and meaningless two weeks ago. However, both have not apologized nor have tried talking to one another since. The only communication Rachael gave David was indirect when she deleted photos of them together on social media and changed her relationship status to "single." In response, he does the same and continues to avoid real communication. (Both Rachael and David let their egos take over.)

You can see in the previous examples that the arguments don't appear to get resolved, even if they were exaggerated, fabricated, or just plain silly from the start. The problem at hand ends up outweighing the love the couple share because one or both partners allowed it to. Also from these examples, you'll notice that it can take just one ego to kill a relationship; it does not require an overactive ego from both partners.

Letting the ego win in a relationship makes one or both partners forget that their relationship is more important than the argument itself. They are so focused on being right that they fail to remember that the primary goal should really be to resolve the disagreement and admit when they are at fault.

How Do I Control my Ego to Better my Relationship?

It's been said before, but it takes two to tango. It's something my partner of seven years occasionally tells me. It's a reminder that helps put things into perspective: that a fight involves two people, however, that a fight can start or escalate with just one person. It may also dissolve or end with one person too. But if the other person wants to keep tangoing, or fighting in this case, the argument may not be so easy to diffuse. That's the ego taking control.

While there is no secret way to eliminate all arguments from your romantic relationship (and nor should you try to as they can be healthy to an extent), there is something you can use to ensure your ego doesn't get the best of your relationship: fighting with your partner instead of against them.

The idea of fighting with your partner rather against them takes practice. However, it involves being a better listener and communicator, being open to different perspectives, and generally remembering the reason for an argument: to resolve a problem, not to let a small flicker turn into a flame. Fighting against your partner, however, involves the ego, and your ego wants you to take down your opponent (i.e., your partner) rather than work with them to trump the very issue that's causing both partners to be angry or upset.

In the end, making an effort to tackle your own ego can not only make you a better partner but can also indirectly impact your partner's own ego, and thus, their words and actions towards you. While we typically do not want to change our behaviors, it generally takes at least one of the two partners in a relationship to set their ego aside and use empathy, logic, and good communication to settle what might otherwise be a very ugly disagreement.

Next time you're in a spat with your partner or even a friend or family member, remember this: fight to resolve the problem; don't fight to dissolve the relationship. Changing your mindset in this way won't change what you're fighting about but can change what you're fighting for. While some problems in a relationship are worth dissolving the relationship, really stop to ask yourself, "Is winning this argument worth my entire relationship with this person?"