The “ugly friend” is exactly who they sound like: the person in a group of friends who deems themself, is or deemed by others, as the least attractive. Calling someone the ugly friend is clearly an insult, and calling oneself the ugly friend is surely an insult to themselves.
Whether you call yourself or are considered by others to be the “ugly friend,” there’s probably some hurt building up inside of you. You probably feel like you have nobody to turn to, and you likely feel lost. Your confidence is probably at an all-time low due to this label you have given yourself or others have given you.
In fact, like many other labels, we feel like we have to live up to the title as the so-called ugly friend. The problem with labels, whether they are positive or negative, is that they put us in a mold. When we are forced into a mold and told that we are something, we feel like we have to continue being that way. If it is a good label, we fear that label will be taken from us. If it is a bad label like the “ugly friend,” a label none of us would like having, we fear that even after we “change,” that bad label will still stick with us. Either way, this is very black-and-white thinking. We either want the label, or we don’t; there’s no in-between.
In response, we may search for a defense mechanism. Indirectly, we may project the ugly friend label onto someone else. One way we might do that is by picking a group of friends that we deem less attractive than us so that we won’t ever have to be the “ugliest person in the group.” Another thing we might do is end friendships with the people we believe are more attractive than we are because we are in a constant state of feeling threatened.
But why do we engage in the latter defense mechanisms? One reason might because we envy the opportunities of other people in our group. Maybe Kevin gets all the girls without trying while it takes significant work for you just to convince one girl to go out on a date with you. Maybe Christina is horrible at job interviews but gets any retail job she wants because of her good looks, or so you believe. Perhaps your best friend gets hundreds of ‘likes’ on their Instagram selfies, but you’re lucky if you get 10 ‘likes’ on yours. In these situations, you may feel a blow to your self-esteem or even a little envious.
As a result, you may engage in a plethora of unhealthy habits:
- Consistently comparing yourself to others
- Buying a completely new wardrobe and/or pricey makeup
- Investing in expensive, possibly dangerous beauty procedures
- Frequently changing up your hair color and/or hairstyle
- Discouraging your friends to not wear that outfit, get that haircut, etcetera, because you don’t want them to look better than you
- Mistreating your friends who you deem the more attractive person in the group
- Not allowing your partner to hang out, see, or speak to your group of friends for fear they will cheat on your with your “more attractive” friends or leave you for one of them
- Losing or getting rid of all of your friends who are ruining your self-esteem, leaving yourself with a small or non-existent group of friends
- And as we talked about previously, replacing all of your “attractive” friends with people who are “less attractive” than you are to give yourself a self-esteem boost
Finding Your Inner Beauty
Based on the latter, it’s clear to see that being tied to the ugly friend label is not only hurtful for you but also for other people. There have to be better ways to express how we feel when we are self-conscious, and there are!
Instead of trying to be the most physically attractive person in the room, we should instead aim to be attractive people on the inside, as cliche as that may sound. When we feel good on the inside, we will eventually feel good on the outside as well, and that will certainly rub off onto other people as well whether it be an interviewer, our date, or our friends.
This world already has many beautiful Tumblr girls and hot Instagrammers; they’re all starting to look the same: dark skin, big lips, tiny waists, perfect-sized thighs, sculpted jawlines, you get my drift. The real talent in the 21st century is being integral, kind, loyal, hard-working, and patient: traits that many don’t have nowadays.
Although it is absolutely not a crime to be attractive, it is a shame when an attractive person puts down others who they consider unattractive, uses their beauty to bribe others, or generally has a poor personality underneath all of that beauty. In truth is, being an ugly person on the inside can supersede one’s outer beauty just as a beautiful personality can supersede one’s “average” outer appearance.
While it is still a good idea to give ourselves the physical self-care we deserve and treat ourselves to a nice haircut, facial, or mani-pedi, what isn’t healthy is thinking that engaging in constant beautification will solve all of our problems and give us everything we consider missing from our lives.
Finding Your Outer Beauty
After you’ve found your inner beauty, you may still struggle with your appearance in relation to others’ appearances. I’m not going to tell you that you can’t find a new makeup routine or style your hair differently when you’re feeling bad about your outer appearance. You can do whatever you want if it means you will be happier and more confident as a result of it.
In a case like this, I invite you to find a physical trait on your body that you absolutely love; you are allowed to do this! It can be big or small and one or several things. For me, I wish my skin were darker. I’d also love to have naturally darker hair. My natural hair color is ashy, almost giving my hair a slight gray tint, even though I am only 23-years-old. However, the shape of my eyes and the angle of my philtrum are things I love about myself that give me confidence when I feel I’m having an “ugly” day. I love to make them pop with makeup.
Another piece of advice I have is instead of putting your guard up when you are friends with someone you call attractive, I want you to practice the opposite. ‘Like’ their photo, comment on their selfie with positive words, think to yourself in your head how beautiful/handsome they are (with positive intentions and not because you wish you could have those same exact traits), compliment them in person, and admire how beautifully their physical traits complement one another.
Something I’ve learned over the years is that the more girls I see (and compare myself to), is that they do not look the same as one another. If I printed out their photos and laid them side by side, they’d all have different heights, weights, body figures, jaw shapes, eye colors and sizes, styles, lengths of hair, the list goes on. This made me realize that no single physical trait or series of physical traits is “right.” I believe this is why we feel the need to constantly change up our appearance when we are self-conscious and why we think we are never beautiful enough: because we are too busy trying to find “true beauty” when true beauty has no definition or specific trait. It is everywhere in all types, shapes, and forms.
Still, it’s important to note that looks are not everything. Some say looks will fade. Others say that looks are still everything. As for me, I say looks can be important if, say, you want a career in the field of modeling, but looks are absolutely not the only thing that will get you where you want or need to be in life. Being handsome of beautiful but having a bad personality will get you dumped by someone looking for a long-term, serious relationship. Being attractive and bringing in a lot of sales at work, but stealing money behind the scenes will absolutely get you fired when you are caught. Need I say more?
Balancing your outer and inner beauty no matter what side of the “ugly friend” situation you stand on is critical. Moderation has always been key to anything and everything in life.
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