Relationships Require Work, Not Luck

When we ask someone how long they've been in a relationship, we sometimes respond, "Wow, you're so lucky" as we ponder on our own success with long-term, healthy relationships. The more we think about how "lucky" they are to have found true love and be in a relationship for that long, the worse we may feel about ourselves and our own love lives.

However, it's important that we reiterate what it means to have luck. Luck is described as having something good happen to you due to chance, not because you were patient and engaged in hard work to get to that point. When it comes to relationships, there is no luck, but I do believe they are a combination of fate (or whatever similar occurrence you believe in) and hard work.


If you have yet to be in a long-term relationship or a relationship for all for that matter, you may ask yourself, "What's so hard about being in a relationship with someone?" Many find that it's easy to love someone. Likewise, many find that it's easy to appreciate spending time with them and generally staying in the relationship with them as the months and years go on.

In reality, relationships involve a lot of decision, compromise, and understanding of one another's thoughts and feelings. When they say married couples are one flesh, they are not lying. Even for unmarried couples, it's like you are essentially the same person, only that you are not. That's what's hard about keeping and maintaining a romantic relationship. You want so badly to always get your way, but to save face and save the relationship, sometimes you have to swallow your pride to let the other person get their way so that they can be happy.

It is a battle (a battle well worth it if you're with the right person) to get your partner on the same page with you at times. For instance, maybe you are both hungry for two different things. (S)he wants Chinese food, but you want good, ole American comfort food from your favorite diner. Another example is when one person wants to live in the suburbs of their hometown, but the other wants to live in the hustle and bustle of a big city hundreds of miles away. Other things like deciding what radio station to listen to in the car, whose parents' Christmas party you will be attending first, what color outfit to wear for a photo shoot, and how to discipline your children also take hard work and good communication to resolve.

Someone may find that friendships are easy to maintain but might consider romantic relationships quite difficult. Compared to your average friendship, romantic relationships that are exclusive usually involve more decision-making, opportunities that require compromise, and general maintenance. Likewise, there are usually more things to fight and argue over in romantic relationships like "Who's that girl/guy you're texting?" or "Did you forget our anniversary?" These aren't problems in non-exclusive friendships where the bond isn't as close and the expectations are not as great.

While there are couples out there who claim they never argue with their partner, it's important to consider what they deem "arguing." Some folks consider any minor disagreement to be an argument while others only consider something an argument if it involves screaming, cussing, storming off, and/or breaking up. Additionally, the amount of time a couple spends together, the amount of risk and spontaneously their relationship involve, and the agreeability and level of dominance of both partners in the relationship play a significant role in how often a couple fights and how quickly those fights get resolved. While this isn't true in all cases, the closer the bond, the greater the potential may be for more arguing.

Regardless, many people come into new relationships thinking that one moderate argument is enough to break the entire bond. The truth is, arguments can make a relationship stronger if you and the other person involved in the relationship allow them too, but sometimes initial actions are required by at least one of those two partners, and then the other partner follows their lead to mend the argument. Two wrongs don't make a right, and two stubborn folks don't either.

Being in a relationship for over seven years and counting, I can tell you candidly that sometimes the work part of the relationship gets harder as it progresses once new major life decisions face you and your partner: engagement, marriage, having or adopting children, buying or renting a home, moving, beginning a new career or starting a business, all that stuff. However, getting through the stress, anxiety, frustrating moments, and tough decisions absolutely can make you and your partner stronger as individuals as well as a couple and generally closer to one another.

Overall, my point is, it's foolish to think that the best and longest-lasting relationships are free of flaws and are generally easy-breezy from the get-go. No matter what others may communicate to you about relationships and regardless of what cute couples post on social media, the truth is, all relationships have their issues. To make the relationship work, sometimes you have to set your ego aside, apologize, open your heart and mind to your partner's wants and needs, and learn the art of compromise. Sometimes it takes months or even years for some couples to figure that out, and that's okay as long as they are learning as best as they can.