People Don't Grow Apart, They Fail to Adapt

One of the most common reasons relationships and friendships end is due to this: they "grow apart." When people say that they've grown apart from someone, it usually means that they or the other person changed and not in a way that the other person expected or wanted. This may be a change in a personality trait, interests or hobbies, or even life goals and aspirations.


Let me explain with an example of what we often define as "growing apart." Let's say Bobby and Dylan have been best buds since preschool. They loved the same video games, talked to the same group of friends, and had the same sense of humor. As they enter middle school, Dylan suddenly plays less video games and instead places emphasis on sports, starts to gravitate away from some of his and Bobby's mutual friends, and begins to mature and laugh less at Bobby's jokes. In response, Bobby ends the friendship thinking that Dylan isn't the same person as he once was. In reality, Bobby is projecting his inability to process and adapt to Dylan's growth and changes. Their friendship certainly could have continued if Bobby was accepting and versatile to Dylan and if Dylan was tolerant of Bobby's "lack of growth."

But why do we end a relationship or friendship due to "growing apart?" In some cases, we may use it as an excuse. With some friendships or relationships that break off, there seems to be no apparent reason why. Thus, we often consider the reason for that dissolution due to growing apart or drifting apart.

In other cases, we may claim we are growing apart from someone because, at that point, it is easier to actually grow apart from one another than it is to accept that the person is different and continue the relationship or friendship. We don't like change. When we see that someone else has changed, it often means that we have to change alongside them, and for us, that's intimidating.

While it is true that two or more people can gradually or suddenly drift apart, this doesn't always mean that those people are not meant to be in one another's lives or that it is time to completely dissolve the relationship. Sometimes this means that change is in order. This change may be physical, emotional, mental, or all three.

In fact, if you ask any long-term, elderly couple what their number one tip for a long, healthy marriage is, they'll often tell you that being able to adapt to the changes of their partner over the months, years, and decades is critical. Some people will tell you that after being married to someone for several years that they are not the same person that they fell in love with, but rather, a different and better version of themselves. It is a beautiful thing to accept the many changes and growths a person makes throughout their life. It is also a beautiful thing to be able to see those positive changes in a positive stance rather than worry that the person is morphing into someone who is completely different.

The point of this blog post isn't to say that if you claim you've drifted apart from someone that you lack the ability to adapt and are at fault. Rather, the takeaway is, if you are in the midst of a situation that involves someone changing or failing to change alongside you or vice versa, it is important to consider the ideas of acceptance, versatility, and openness to change before you consider ending the relationship or friendship.

While change can be a bad thing in some scenarios, don't forget that change can be a great thing as well. None of us are stagnant; we are always growing, even as adults. Learning to be content and even excited by change is something we all need to come to terms with at some point in our lives. While we all change, we are always the same people; we just transform, go through phases, learn from our mistakes, and gain new ideas and interests over the years which allows us to turn into the people we truly are as time goes on.