Movies, romance novels, and the media often depict relationships as perfect and flawless. Many of our favorite celebrities seem to have an easy and enjoyable time in their relationships despite everything that is on their plates. In Hallmark movies, we observe the main character getting whisked off their feet after meeting the one. The next thing you know, they're often married within a month or two. In fairy tales, the princess meets the dreamy prince, and they always live happily ever after.
Romance seems so simple and easy to come by in all of the latter cases. While many of us enjoy beautiful love stories and romantic films, we are sometimes shocked when our own love life doesn't roll out quite the same way.
Our Flawed Relationship Expectations
The truth is, even without those latter depictions, our expectations for a long-term relationship are big and bold. When we are asked what we want in a relationship, we want it all; we're thinking in black-and-white. We want someone to always "be down" with us, always agree with us, always want what we want, and never have clashing opinions from us. (Notice the words, "always" and "never.") We tend to be egocentric; we only seem to envision what we want and need in a partner, already close ourselves off from potential partners who are different from our visions, and fail to see what a future partner might need from us. We seem to only care about living up to this fairy tale we have in our heads. It's only our way or the highway.If we want a man or woman who is bold and outgoing, doesn't drink or smoke, has the perfect relationship with their family, is great with their finances, holds a steady job, loves sports, has the same political and religious beliefs as us, and wants to raise five kids in the suburbs of the town we grew up in, we already assume that the one for us will be all of those things plus more. Not only do we believe we deserve to have someone in our lives who is exactly what we envisioned, but we also believe that's what God, Allah, fate, the universe, or whatever higher being or force we believe in has in store for us. Thus, when you meet someone who is seemingly the opposite of what you thought you'd receive in a partner, you make the presumption that they are the wrong person for you.
What Happens When Our Expectations Are Flawed?
As mentioned in the last statement, after meeting someone who doesn't quite match up to your expectations, you may deem them wrong for you, even before you get to fully know them. In turn, the flawed expectations you form may only hinder your ability to ever find "the one" for you; you may always be searching for someone that doesn't exist, someone who could only ever be in a fairy tale or in a Hallmark movie.
It can be disappointing for you when you realize that everything you wanted in a partner isn't what you've found in your current partner or even in past partners. You may deem love impossible to find or even start criticizing yourself thinking that something is wrong with you for you not yet being able to receive a carbon copy of the dream man or woman you've always wanted. You may think you're too hard too love or unworthy or being loved altogether.
Due to your flawed expectations, you may also get nasty with a current or future partner, trying to shove them into a mold of a person they are not. You may play God as you attempt to change everything about your partner to make them the "perfect" person for you. Doing this, however, rarely ever works. Chances are, your partner will either rebel or leave you completely. Nobody wants to be with someone who doesn't accept any part of who they are, what they look like, or what they want in life.
Throwing Flawed Expectations Out the Window
Not only does having very specific expectations in a relationship stop you from enjoying the person you are with, but these false expectations can harm a relationship that is meant to be. Although you are allowed to want certain things in a future relationship or prefer certain characteristics or traits in a partner, one day you may realize that the person you end up with isn't the perfect individual you visualized in your head before you met them, and you'll have to learn that that's okay.
The best way to get rid of the false expectations you have for a future or current relationship is to expose yourself to the realities of romance. Read realistic romance books or watch realistic romance films, ask family or friends in long-term relationships about the faults in their own relationships, or read romance forums and message boards online. (Spoiler alert: You'll find that relationships are so much more imperfect that we often make them out to be in our heads.) One way or another, you must understand that falling in love with the person you are meant to be with isn't always about being instantly swept off your feet as you meet the person that checks off every single item off your list.
While it is a shock that you may end up dating, engaged, or even married to someone who smokes when you hate smoking, someone who is unathletic when athletics are everything to you, hates watching romance comedies when those are your favorite films to watch, and so on and so forth, sometimes finding someone different from what you imagined can be the best thing for you, your romantic life, and your future. Although we know ourselves better than anyone else, sometimes we don't truly know who is best for us until we meet that person and realize that their qualities complement ours and vice versa.
The Bottom Line
Next time you're with someone who is different from what you imagined, I urge you to give them a chance. Sometimes we end up with someone different from what we expected because someone with different qualities is more right for us. Sometimes we might even end up with a broken person who needs work not because we deserve "less" in a relationship but because we may be the best person for them to show them the love, acceptance, and courage they need to become the best individual and romantic partner for us. Other times, being in a relationship with someone who is different from what you thought can help open your eyes to what you need to have changed in your own life to live the fulfilling life you deserve and become the person you are destined to be.
Just like you are not perfect, your current or future partner will not be perfect either; we all have battles, we all sin, we all have qualities that are less-than-desirable. Sometimes we forget that because we place such high expectations on others, even if we don't meet those same expectations ourselves. Learning to embrace the uncertainties in relationships and accept the good, bad, and unexpected qualities of our partner can remind us that love doesn't come in perfect packages, but nevertheless, that these "unexpected" people can play such prominent roles in our lives, maybe ever forever.
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